Tales of a Plush Rumped Hunter
by HotStriderMama
Summary: In which the Striders are demons, the Egbert/English clan are hunters, and things need to get done. Mainly world saving. Dirk develops a crush on the hunter who almost shot Dave, Jake's family has a dark secret, and Bro needs to stop hitting on older men. First time posting here, rated m for fun stuff later, homestuck is Hussies, and if you want credit for the cover tell me if it's


Chapter one.

== Be the nerdy boy in booty shorts

What? That is absurd. This is no but, it is a very manly and not-nerdy man. Who, yes, is in booty shorts. However, it is for a very good reason. You see, this particular manly-man is a hunter. Of what you ask? Demons of course. He absolutely hates the nasty devils.

== Quit monologuing and be the manly-demon-hunter-in-booty-shorts Much better. You are now the manly-demon-hunter-in-booty-shorts. However that name is far too long, you would much rather go by your real name, which happens to be Jake English. You are currently fighting a demon wearing a ridiculous pair of aviator shades. Grinning triumphantly you hold a gun to his head saying

"Any last words, demon scum?" The demon laughs in his face, quite literally.

"Yeah. Get 'em bro!" You pause to wonder what he's talking about before be

ing ripped off of him and slammed to the ground by another demon wearing pointed shades.

== Be the nasty devil in pointed shades

While you find that insulting, you comply and become the nasty devil in pointed shades. You have just caught this idiot hunter in booty shorts attempting to kill your little brother, you would hand stepped in sooner if those booty shorts hadn't been so d_n distracting. Plush rumps always were distracting. But that doesn't matter now. What matters is distracting this moron so Dave can escape back to Bro. Your younger brother isn't doing to well. What you do with Mr. Plush Rump after is your business. You motion for your lil'bro to leave, which he surprisingly does, before turning back to the hunter. Examining him for a moment you decide to let this one live. He looks interesting. "Well, well, Mr. Push Rump. What brings you to this part of town?" You purr, gesturing widely to the abandoned building you were both in. Wow, really? Are you seriously hitting on the guy who nearly shot your brother? Who are you kidding, of course you are.

== Be Mr. Plush Rump - Er...I mean Jake English.

Jake gritted his teeth at the force behind him being slammed down, refusing to make a sound. If he was just a little curious as to why the other demon listened to this one, he ignored it, choosing instead to glare at the demon sitting on top of him, he was a little shocked when it started talking to him. "Well, well, Mr Plush Rump. What brings you to this part of town?" Did it just f_ing purr at him?! Well that was just f_king dandy. And why the heck was he calling him push rump?! Jake glared at him. "Getting rid of you devil f_king scum bags! And my name is *not* Mr Plush Rump!" He spat at the demon. It merely laughed at him and leaned down grinning. "And I also have a name, wanna share?" Oh Gog, it was even closer now. "Jake. Now get off me so I can kill you." "Dirk. And no. I think I'll sit here a while. We can play later." Jake could have sworn it winked at him from behind those stupid shades.

== Be Dirk

Dirks mind was racing. 'Oh my Gog why did i give this moron my name? He's going to come after us now and Bro it's gonna be mad..wait, he doesn't know our last name..we cool...we cool...' He was thrown out of his thoughts add he was literally thrown across the room. The plush rumped little s_. He quickly collected himself and drew his sword as he was faced with his plush rumped little hunter holding two hands guns. It was as if new thought it would hurt him. If anything, it proved that he was adorkable. S_, he was staring. 'Hope he didn't notice...' "Scared now, pointy shaded bugger?" F_k! He noticed, and apparently thought he was scared...Adorkable. "In your dreams, my plush rumped little hunter~" Dirk responded silkily.

== Be the adorkable hunter.

Jake had noticed the demon having some sort of moment and took advantage by kicking him off and whipping out his pistols. The demon collected himself rather quickly and pulled out a sword. 'Like that could do anything against my guns. Bollucks, I'm staring...say something English!' "Scared now, pointy shaded bugger?" Gog that was stupid, but it snapped the demon out of whatever it was doing. "In your dreams, my plush rumped little hunter~" 'Why does he keep calling me plush rump?' "I've said it before, I'll say it again. The name is Jake." He responded coldly. 'Hah ! Take That!' The demon merely smirked in return. "I too have one of those, perhaps if you use it, I'll use yours. We still need to talk about how you were treating my lil'bro." At that Jake paled a little. 'It has family?'

== Be Dirk again

'Awww...he's scared now. That's cute.' Dirk couldn't help the smile that crept onto his face. "What? Surprised?" He purred again, taking a step towards Jake the adorkable hunter backed up a little flushing slightly. "Not at all. Just surprised you haven't eaten him. Being a nasty little demon after all." Dirk frowned "That hurt, first off he's my little brother, and secondly if I was into that sort off thing, he'd be to skinny. But you, "he takes another step forward "you, Mr Push Rump look delicious." Jake flushed more. "So now you're trying to eat me after you say you don't eat people? Well have at me then!" Jake aimed at his head and took a half step back. Dirk eyed him warily behind his shades and fell into a battle stance. "Eat you? Really? I already told you I don't eat people. I would rather have pizza." 'Okay, why can't I just shut my mouth and kill him? Bro is going to kill me...'

== Be the plush rumped hunter

Jake called away again, wondering what the foul beast was playing at. "What the devil f_king dickens are you getting at? Demons eat people, and I kill you little beasties to keep them safe. Last i checked, pizza isn't people." Jake said cheekily, trying to bait the demon into attacking. His gambit paid off a little too well it would seem, because he soon found himself with a demon straddling him. His arms were pinned easily and his guns were tossed somewhere. The demon leaned in. "That's funny, I don't remember ever eating anyone...there are different types of demons after all." Jake flushed and tried to struggle out of the iron grip to no avail. "What does it matter to me? You all hurt people so I have to stop you." Honestly Jake was beginning to doubt himself, this demon could have killed him already but he hadn't. And on that train of thought, it was getting a little awkward having the other male spring on top of him. "I. Do. Not. Hurt. People." Jake cringed and tried to lean away from the growling demon who was uncomfortably close. "Really? What do you call this then?" Jake squeaked. It just tilted its head. "I call it protecting my family, after all, you can't go track my brother if I'm on you," Jake held in a squeak when the other male sniffed at his neck "besides, who would pass up a chance to educate such a plush rumped little hunter?" Jake growled at that. "Why must you insist on calling me that? Why not skip this cockamamie blathering and educate my ignoramus self you devious hooligan?" Jake ranted as the demon thankfully backed off. "Quiet. You talk to much and I need to go." Jake bristled and prepared a snippy come back, only to be silenced by a mouth over his own. He had barely registered it before both it and the demon were gone. It was also surprising to find that he could not move. F_king demon.

== Be the f_king demon

Honestly Dirk was enjoying the little witty banter thing he and his plush rumped hunter were participating in. Even if Mr Plush Rump thought he ate people, which he had immediately corrected. "What does it matter to me? You all hurt people, so I have to stop you." As uncertain as he sounded Dirk was still mad that this guy, who had been about to shoot a teenager, was saying HE hurt people. Oh f_k no, Dirk was so not taking this s_. He leaned in growling. "I. Do. Not. Hurt. People." When through the haze of his trade, Dirk saw the hunter cringe. 'D_n strait.' He thought self-righteously as the hunter spoke. "Really? What do you call this then?" Jake squeaked. Like literally f_king squeaked. Adorkable. "I call it protecting my family, after all, you can't go track my brother if I'm on you," Dirk couldn't resist leaning in and sniffing at his neck. 'He smells nice' He could almost hear him retraining another squeak. "Besides, who would pass up a chance to educate such a plush rumped little hunter?" Dirk missed whatever the adorkable plush rump said in return because of a certain older brother romping around in his mind. [Bro?! The f_k do you want?]

[You to get your a_ back home and to stop fooling around with that d_n hunter.]

[Gog you're a creeper. Fine.] Dirk could swear he felt Bro smirking in his mind. Turning back to Jake he regretfully said. "Quiet. You talk too much and I need to go." Sensing Jake's building protest Dirk quickly pressed his mouth to Jake's, both to shut him up and to use his powers to paralyze him. It was just too bad it couldn't last longer, but he quickly shadowed away to meet up with his brothers. Bro had the most smug grin on his face when Dirk got there. Naturally Dirk rolled his eyes and flipped him off. That a_hole wasn't going to let him live this down.


End file.
